Finally posting about you, so now you can be happily enraged, Ms. gajillion stat hits a day.

To my regular readers, I apologize in advance for this diversion. Regularly scheduled blog programming will resume shortly. In the meantime, perhaps this will clarify why I haven't updated lately, just when actual progress is being made around the farm.

Dear girlfriend of the man I am not fucking (although at this point I might as well start - if I'm dealing with the bullshit I might as well have some fun),

You are everything I have spent my entire life deliberately not becoming. You have nothing to offer the world other than your vagina. Why are you so surprised to learn that a vagina is not enough to keep a man to keep you? Furthermore, no matter how hard you try to make it, 2+2 will never equal 5, yet 5 is the answer you keep arriving at about he and I. Some fine day, you will come to the realization that you single-handedly destroyed your relationship. Over absolutely nothing.

Oh, and big liberal props (NOT!) for the fact that you publicly declare yourself a "straight ally" of national coming out day, yet insult you direct at me is "frankendike". Now I'm all kinds of confused. Am I gay, or am I fucking your man? Because the two are mutually exclusive. And it should, but obviously doesn't, go without saying that if you are in fact a straight ally, you should not be using homosexual slurs as insults. Gay Rights 101.

Here are a few handy hints for a better probability of success (marriage, as defined by you), in your next relationship:

1) Avoid calling him nasty names, cursing him out, and other repeated put-downs in front of people. That way, when he initially confides his unhappiness in the relationship, the next wrongly accused other woman ('cause god knows it could never be your fault), will be less sympathetic and far more surprised. In fact, avoid name-calling in general, it's juvenile.

2) Have a job, or better yet, a career. Leeching off men is not sexy.

3) Men love their mothers. If you can't genuinely like the woman, at least suck up your senseless venom and be polite.

4) Men love their children from their prior marriages. Don't piss them off either.

5) Fachrissake, having a(nother) kid is not going to net you a trip to the altar. If it didn't work the 1st time, and it didn't work the 2nd time, I guaran-goddamn-tee it won't work a 3rd time.

6) If you do make a(nother) kid, show a genuine interest in the little (s)pawn. Spend time with it. Interact with it. Kids like that.

7) Porn is not sexy. Feminism 101.

8) Jealousy is not attractive. Nor is envy, nor is need. Confidence is (case in point=me!). Relationship 101.

9) Drugs are not sexy. If you can't deal with your current reality, either change it or get a proper prescription, there's no shame in that. And if you do get a prescription, don't abuse it (I'd like to give a big shout-out here to my ex-fiance). If you're not happy with yourself, you'll never be able to make anybody else happy.

10) If you really hate men, do everyone a favor and avoid them. You can't change them. If you genuinely liked them, you wouldn't want to try.

Hope this helps you in your future relationship endeavors!!!!